Courtesy of Gary Lee Davis, this week I share some of the golden threads our relationship has spun. I hope you find a glint of gold for yourself. 

 

1. 
While some find my nature to be strong-willed and see it as stubborn or resistant, I have a kind of tenacity that serves me well.

 

My father was a force, not often an accommodating one. If something was important to me I had to navigate through his dismissive attitude, objections, hypothetical obstacles, and other such hoops meant intentionally or not to wear me down and give up. I rarely did once committed. If it was important enough to go up against my father, it was not something to give up.

 

When an unrelenting force meets an immovable object, you know who wins? The one whose convictions are rooted in values, love, and patience, not in control and demands. I work hard to remember this.

 

2. 
Intergenerational pain is real, as are intergenerational gifts. They can pass through the same person. My father carried a lot of pain from his childhood and it shaped the kind of parent he was. As I have healed pain left by him I have found gifts. He had an easy charm when he wanted, a working man's intelligence, and a freedom seeking nature. 

 

I think he was most at home in nature, far from any other human beings. He knew how to claim his solitude from the demands of daily life and inner demons. How he did this was not always healthy or kind but I understand now why he needed it. It was his way of tending his inner world.

 

I now see how much like him I am this regard. Over time I have gained empathy for both of our wounds and how we have carried them. I don't disappear on a motorcycle or hide away in the garage with a bottle of Jim Beam, but I have cultivated a life where I can tend to my inner world in healthier ways. 

 

Claiming our solitude from the chaos of the outer world is hard won and precious. It may not always look pretty but there is devotion to self at its roots. 

 

3. 
I was estranged from my father for many years. I am grateful we reconciled before his death, but even so, he did not have free entrance into all areas of my life. I am glad we were able to be in relationship again before he died, and even happier it not longer had to come at the cost of my emotional health. 

 

It is more than okay to hold strong boundaries with those who have hurt you. Especially if they can not be trusted to not hurt you again. This seems particularly relevant as the holidays are upon us and many will be with people who have not always been as kind to them as they deserved.

 

4. 

My dad loved electronics, cars, camping, and music. He and had a garage full of tools and camping gear, and a living room full of stereo equipment. He invested in things that gave him pleasure whether that be the right tool, the right truck, or the right speaker. 

 

He had several businesses. An auto electric shop, a hardware store, a Radio Shack, a Mac Tool Truck, always something that involved fixing or building something. My maker, creative nature comes from him I think. He modeled a kind of life and entrepreneurial independence that runs through me too. 

 

On this anniversary I choose to honor the complexity of him, and the legacy of strength and caring being his daughter has forged in me.