Well color me embarrassed!
Sure I am feeling a bit awkward because it has been awhile since writing you. I am more than a little self-conscious about showing up after such a long time and my impulse is to withdraw and hide away. My cheeks are actually flushing right now as I realize that I am reaching out to you for the very same reason I last wrote you: To tell you about my course Empathy and Self-Care which I am teaching again beginning November 18.
More about the course below. First I want to tell you about my shame.
(Feel free to pop down to the bottom if you want to jump the course information or go here to learn more.)
Yup, shame.
Because that is what I am feeling right now.
Embarrassed
Awkward
Self-conscious
Flushed
All of these are different nuances of the emotion shame. Here are few others floating around inside me right now.
Remorseful
Guilty
Regretful.
Fun right?
Now I know that shame gets a really bad wrap. It is uncomfortable, feels icky, and I wont candy coat it, it can be dangerous when not understood and worked with well. It is all to often used as a weapon against us by others, our culture, we even use it against ourselves.
But shame itself is not the enemy here.
Stay with me if your head spins at the thought that shame is anything other than a vile feeling meant to undermine every shred of self-confidence and worth we have. Shame is not our natural born nemesis. How it is used and internalized however, can be problem if not understood.
Shame, like every one of our emotions is a messenger. It is here to deliver guidance to move us forward. Can it be used to harm? Absolutely! Any of our emotions can. (Ever had someone insist you be happy when you really, really are not? Yuck!) Here is the thing about shame in particular. It is essential for our ability to maintain our integrity, our self-respect and to foster positive change. It lets us know when we are off track with
ourselves.
If I have done something wrong it is appropriate that I feel some level of shame to let me know I have transgressed, to let me know amends are in order. If hurt you, I feel bad, sorry, regretful. I feel shame. I want to make right again. Shame alerts me that a change in behavior is needed, something needs to be made right again.
Imagine if there were no shame. No way for us to know we had transgressed or hurt another. Think of someone who has no ability to feel bad about harmful behavior. If that is a painful thought, thank your healthy, supportive shame. Know it makes you less likely to hurt someone and even less likely to not make amends if you do.
So I am feeling shame. Honorable, supportive shame. Mostly in the form of embarrassment and regret for not writing you sooner or at least writing you now with news of something I haven't already told you about. Sure, it is uncomfortable, but it is helping me take action. It prompts me to look for other ways to keep in touch with you, ways that honor your time and willingness to read what I send out. My shame brings me back to writing you, even
on the same subject I wrote to you last about. Even though I am embarrassed because I think what I am teaching in Empathy and Self-Care is really, really useful and important.
What we mostly see and talk about with shame is the unsupportive, even harmful expression of the emotion. When working well shame may not even be noticed. It is that subtle urge to do the right thing, take the appropriate action, keep your word. You know, be a kind, responsible, conscientious person. When we need course correction or have just hurt someone with unkindness or misunderstanding, honorable shame comes on a bit stronger and probably
not comfortably because it needs our attention.
A world without honorable, supportive shame would be a very unkind and dangerous place.
Another peek behind my shame curtain.
This bit about being embarrassed to share something that I know has value, to "toot my own horn" is unsupportive shame rooted in deep, wounding messages about how it is wrong to think too well of myself, seek attention, or heaven forbid, tell others about my good work and creations. This vein of shame tells me not to bother you, not to waste your time, not to take up too much space. And so I often stay quiet. I have worked with so many people over the years
with their own flavor of this.
My personal work with shame, and we all have our version of shame work to do, is not to get rid of shame itself, but to learn to understand it. To learn to honor, not run away from shame because it is uncomfortable. To get curious and determine if the shame is supportive or not. To let it do its job and keep me true to essential self if it is supportive and to heal it and myself if it unsupportive. (By the way, shame well honored will flow right into a lovely space of contentment. That feeling a job well done, a word kept, values honored. We need all of our emotions!)
I want my shame to keep poking me to be in touch with you because I value you and I know I have valuable things to share with you. I want to release the shame that has tied me to beliefs that sidetrack me in life. This is worthy, holy, sacred work.
I want you to have a supportive and honoring relationship with shame also. Not because I want you to feel bad but because I want you to be whole and have access to all of your genius.
Anytime we honor and make space for our emotional selves we enter sacred ground.
You may not ever like the feeling of shame, but it offers highly important gifts of insight and guidance that can not come for any of the other emotions.
Paying this kind of attention to the emotional realms is at the very root and heart of my self-care and living as a healthy, empathic person. It allows me to be part of the world with an open heart and not get pulled away in the swirl of it.
Am I perfect at this? Not at all!! But I can say that the more I honor my emotions, all of them, even the uncomfortable and inconvenient ones, more in flow I am with the wisdom they grant me.
It is not hard, but it does take learning some skills and practice. We are not taught this kind of emotional an self-honoring. It takes willingness to look at emotions and what it means to be empathic with new eyes and curiosity.
It is so very, very worth it!
